Before I started going to my four-year university, I had a strong sense of objective moral values. I learned them in church.
Murder is wrong.
Stealing is wrong.
Gay sex is wrong.
Lying is wrong.
Cheating is wrong.
Drinking is wrong.
Changing your sex is wrong.
Smoking is wrong.
Doing drugs is wrong.
Things felt stable. I was depressed from time to time, but it was both because I was upset I couldn’t get rid of my same-sex attraction, and because I couldn’t talk to anybody about it.
Afterward, I went to a four-year university, and everything got messed up. It was like their words held magical powers that disintegrated my ideological foundations. I didn’t know the difference between right and wrong anymore.
They made me realize that in some situations, stealing is probably okay. They made me think that in some situations, lying is sometimes okay. They even had me consider the point of view from a woman, named Edna, who cheated on her husband because the customs of the time prevented her from divorcing him.
My model of truth dissolved quickly. I was under the assumption that the Bible was the complete, full revelation of objective moral truth, but in a year, that assumption was no longer trustworthy. I was exposed to different people from different cultures and backgrounds and I regarded them as brilliant and wonderful, and I had no idea how to reconcile their goodness and kindness with my exclusive, black-and-white religion.
In the two years that followed, I constructed a cathedral beneath my feet, but it was not one made of anything physical — it was an illusion handed to me by my church. I was able to ignore the fact that I had lost my identity by tricking myself into thinking I had found it in the thirteen hours a weekend I spent on stage behind the keyboards.
I changed my mind about everything, but I thought I was safe. I could have my opinions on capitalism and churches and same-sex marriage and remain safe in the arms of the church.
To be fair, the model of truth that I had begun to construct was not something new; it was something I was rediscovering.
I’ve said before that I have always known there was a severe chasm between the god of Christianity and the God that I’ve experienced. This is not to say the god of Christianity is not closest to the real God — I believe it is — but that Christians who rely solely on the Church for their information about God will end up worshiping something false.
Previously, I had operated under the assumption that individuals on earth are capable of grasping objective truth completely. Not only is this assumption harmful, it is entirely not biblical.
We see through a glass darkly. What we know now, we know in part. Jesus came as the full revelation of the Father.
In another post, I told the rest of my story. I was told I couldn’t come back to the band I had loved and cherished, and I was hurt very deeply by some of the things that happened to me. The cathedral on which I stood was removed violently.
I am now in the process of rediscovery, but I have nothing to distract myself with. I have only Jesus, and he is helping me interact with the world in more faith and grace than I have ever have before.
I understand now that grace is given for me to make mistakes as I try to figure out what Jesus wants.
I understand now that faith is trusting in Jesus especially when I haven’t been given a clear answer on how to approach a subject.
I understand now that objective truth exists in the person of Jesus Christ.
I understand now that on Earth I will only be able to perceive bits and pieces of truth.
I understand now that truth is not confined to the sixty-six books of the Bible.
I understand now that as long as I am on Earth, I am forced to interpret truth with my fallen mind.
I understand now that as long as I keep trying to find out what’s true, Jesus will correct me along the way.
It is a new model of truth which divorces me from my reliance on the goodness and faithfulness of humans. Instead, I rely only on Jesus to speak to me through his spirit, his words, and his community.
It is a new model which transcends religious fundamentalism and postmodernism, and it is one which gives me unprecedented freedom.
Stephanie Rosalyn 